Review: See No Evil (2006)

WWE Studios’ first feature film, See No Evil, has just landed on Netflix, making it the perfect time to revisit this… cinematic masterpiece? I might regret this.

Axe me if I'm pretty.

Axe me if I’m pretty.

Everybody who was watching WWE in 2006 remembers at least something about See No Evil. A movie seared into most fans’ memories due to clips from it being shown during every segment of WWE television. This was their first film and they were determined to make it a success, through showing damn near every scene of the film for free. Thankfully they calmed down regarding this approach for future films. I don’t think I could have handled endless segments from The Chaperone.

We’ve probably all also heard the stories of Vince wanting Kane to have a gigantic penis in the film. Like, as in, he takes it out and it THUDS on the ground kinda thing. To be honest, I wish that sort of thing was in here, because it’s so weird and they might as well have gone balls to the wall with their first feature film, right?

On May 19th, the film was released and it sent Kane over the edge because it happened to also be the date his parents died. Except I’d just finished reading the novel they’d put out that was supposed to clear up all the inconsistencies in Kane’s backstory (which it did a fascinating job of) and it mentioned the deaths happening later in the year. Just like that, the novel was ruined by WWE TV, much like most of the plot and kills involved in See No Evil were spoiled by their over-eager marketing team.

But what about the final product? Is Kane believable as a scary monster? Stalking victims and threatening unspeakable acts of violence. Yes. Yes, he is. Of course he is. This movie really was a no-brainer.

So, your plot (as it is): Eight juvenile delinquents are stalked by a psychopathic killer when they’re ordered to clean an abandoned hotel as an act of community service.

We’re introduced to the main characters as they bicker and eave prison to do their community service. Their names and personality issues helpfully displayed on screen one by one, as if it knows we’ll need help remembering who they all are as the film continues.

And will our bickering convicts end up coming together in solidarity, learning more about each other and, in turn, about themselves?

What can I say, I'm hooked.

What can I say, I’m hooked.

Nah, they gonna die.

There’s also a cop who loses his hand to Jacob in the opening scene, then many years later comes to the same killer’s base to make the kids clean it up. This guy has the worst luck.

As the kids start to clean the hotel, they’re picked off one by one by Kane. Although, I’m writing this part before that’s happened on screen. But it’s what’s about to happen. And of course it’s not going to happen soon enough to the main douchebag, who shows off his character by throwing a beer can at a stray dog. Just in case anybody watching didn’t think he was a bad guy when he choked out his former lover. Oh, and they’re going to have sex and do drugs, too? This film has everything! Except a protagonist, which in retrospect, is a slight omission. Maybe we’re supposed to root for Kane?

Like the spiritual sibling of Leatherface and Jason Voorhees, Kane is as intimidating as you’d expect. And the title of the film isn’t a riddle that takes an hour 20 minutes to unravel – he takes peoples’ eyes, man. With his creepy fingernails. It’s deep.

See No Evil deserves credit for giving little character moments, however cliché some of them are, to the cast before they’re dispatched. The special effects have their ups and downs but they’re what you’d expect from most mid-00’s horror films. And they’re kind enough to not make you wait too long before thinning the herd of actors. I’ll say this for “Jacob Goodnight”, he’s an efficient killing machine. He’s not afraid to branch out into using different weapons. And also creepily masturbate, but the less said about that (and the bizarre mid-credits scene) the better.

I have got to do up this place before Mom comes around.

I have got to do up this place before Mom comes around.

As far as star spotting goes, Jessica Jones co-star Rachael Taylor is one of the eight teens. So if you’re a fan of her work, she definitely has an interesting time. I daresay she stayed away from cellphones for a while after filming this.

I’ve said a lot of mean words above, but honestly – it’s not that bad. It’s got some fun set-ups and cute unexpected moments sprinkled among all of the generic slasher stuff. If you like Kane, you like watching people get relentlessly stalked, and you don’t mind it when films don’t really have anything else going for them, I believe you’re the target audience for this film. But otherwise, I’d suggest giving it a pass.

Oh hold up, there’s a See No Evil 2? I can’t wait!