To celebrate our new WWE Champion, I thought it was time for us to take a look at how to make the “Big Dog” somewhat more… relatable to fans.
While the average person on the street says, “Look, I don’t know who Roman Reigns is, why are you following me?”, hardcore fans know him as, “That guy who’s slightly bigger than average, struggles to get through a sentence and has really wet hair.”
Sadly, in this crazy mixed-up world, that’s not enough. Especially not with ISIS lurking behind every corner, threatening to walk out from the crowd in their tactical vest and black cargo pants, ready to destroy freedom.
No, we need a new Roman Reigns, and we need him now.
Sure, you say, but who is Roman Reigns? Other than a guy who doesn’t understand that cocking your fist isn’t a thing. Well, I mean, it’s a thing. It’s just not a PG thing.
But that’s the best part. With such a bland, uninspiring template to work from, we can surely help WWE create a fully fledged (and less evocative of a terrorist death squad) character.
Literally A Roman
What I like best about this idea is it’s simple and dynamic. You put Roman in a toga and Bob’s your Uncle. His finisher is even already named the Spear. It writes itself.
This option is the one most likely to be picked up by WWE Creative™, as it took literally no ability to think up.
The Rock’s Cousin and Also To A Lesser Extent The Cousin Of The Usos
This one is a strong concept – we define Roman by his family. He’ll use all of his most famous cousin’s catchphrases – If ya smeeeellll …what The Rock’s Cousin and Also To A Lesser Extent The Cousin Of The Usos …is cookin’! – and use the same moves – My God, he’s hit The Rock’s Cousin and Also To A Lesser Extent The Cousin Of The Usos Bottom!
Now, the one tiny snag with this idea is that it’s pretty much what they’re already doing.
While they may run into some possible copyright issues, kids do love a superhero. And why create a new one when you can just rip off an existing one (by which I mean John Cena).
His dramatic flying punch is already named after this, so we’ll introduce the rest of the character evolution each week – next comes the Superman Spear – and eventually he’ll just fly down to the ring in a costume, cape billowing in the wind, wet hair flopping around his face.
When Cesaro’s healed up, he can be his nemesis. Because bald.
Roman the Red-Nosed Reignsdeer
After being betrayed by his brothers, he takes up Santa’s sack and begins giving toys to all the villains of WWE. Surprise! The toys are Spears.
While guaranteed to make money around Christmas, this idea might get a little awkward in July.
Has mystical water powers? Just carries an umbrella? I didn’t really think this one through.
Roman “Makin’ It” Reigns
This one is versatile, because he can either be a skeezy pimp, going into the club and showering women with money, or he’s the sexy but sweet stripper paying his way through university. The name works with both.
Replaced By Dean Ambrose
This one took some work to visualise, but I think you’ll agree it works once you examine the layers. Firstly, we start with Roman Reigns not showing up on Monday Night Raw. Then we don’t see him again for… maybe, let’s say… ever. Then Dean Ambrose takes his place, becomes WWE Champion and makes the company lots of money because (and this is the clever part) he’s already way more popular with fans, along with the ability to cut a promo. It doesn’t hurt that he can wrestle too. It’s risky, but possibly the best bet for reinventing and reinvigorating Roman Reigns’ character.
I mean, I have another idea where he gets hit on the head and gains the psychic ability to tell fact from fiction, constantly going around pointing at people saying, “Belee dat.” And a RomoCop one. But to be honest with you, I’m feeling pretty good about Replaced By Dean Ambrose.